Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Chronicles of Dating: Installment #6 - Advice for Guys

I'm not a dating guru, and I certainly don't know the best way to impress a date*, but the date I went on last night left me with a long list of "what the crap?"s. So to possibly avoid future calamities (of yours and of my own), I have constructed a list of advice for guys, and present it here in descending order (note: not all of these were directly my date's fault, but they were all the fault of someone on the group date, and no one on a date should ever do any of these things (some of these things have happened on other recent dates too, which makes me feel like a list of advice is even more necessary)):

10. Don't rev up the car to the sound of your own wanna-be Jack Johnson voice blasting from the cd you just recorded, and don't turn it up so loud that no one in the car can hear each other or carry on any manner of conversation.

9. Don't ask lame, generic questions like, "So how many kids do you have in your family," or "what do you like to do for fun," etc. If you're getting along and having good conversation, these things will come out naturally, or won't be necessary at all. I doubt any girl has ever left a date thinking to herself, "Man, that was an amazing date, but it's just not going to work out because I have no idea if he is a youngest, oldest, or middle child!"

8. Don't take your date on a large group date full of people she doesn't know. A double date is fine, even a triple date, but an octo-plus date driven by mission memoirs and inside jokes is going to do nothing but alienate the girl your trying to get to know/impress.

7. Don't make any comment that is not 100-percent positive about her high-heel shoes. No "I don't understand how you girls walk in those things," or "wow, those are really high heels," is going to be taken in a good way. Sorry that her 5-inch heels make her taller than you and make you feel like less of a man. She wore them because they make her calves look great.

6. When your date is wearing 5-inch heels, don't expect her to climb into the back of a truck that meets her at eye-level without any assistance. Don't expect her to do that in flats.

5. Don't take your date to an action movie that got less stars than your basement floor. Don't take your date to a movie, period (well, not within the first five or six dates, at least).

4. Don't pretend you're going to run over the cat crossing the road.

3. Don't not feed your date - EVER! Unless you specify otherwise, your date is going to be planning on food, and therefore is hungry. Leaving her that way for the entire night is going to make her crabby and make her forever associate the memory of you with the feeling of her stomach trying to eat itself.

2. Don't ask your date to just meet you there, and really, seriously, don't ask your date to meet you at the gas station down by the freeway either. I don't think I need to expound on this one.

1. Don't ask a girl out over text message. Nothing about this is okay.

And there you have it. That is my current list of advice for guys. I hope it is adhered to with the strictest of obedience and the humblest of attitudes.

*I am still extremely single.


Crystal Ross said...

I read this out loud to Chris and we were both laughing...ya know, audibly! HAHA where'd you meet this one? The cat thing KILLS me. C'mon dude. NOT FUNNY.

Jen said...

What a loser! How did this dork land a date with you in the first place? Sadly, I think I may have been out with him sounds eerily similar to my worst date ever! P.S. Love love love reading your always make me laugh!

Andrea said...

Ha ha, thanks guys! Seriously, I can't tell you how many dates have had similar things to this happen. I love that you have a similar date story, Jen!

Amandean said...

May I add one:
#11) Do not double date with an engaged couple, especially one she does not know.

Heidi said...

HAHAHAHAHAH ok i thoroughly enjoy your blogging. Seriously you make me laugh and I agree with you on every point. Guys are so lame!!

The Former 786 said...

In no particular order:

Done it, done it, done it, haven't done that, done it, did it once, no one should do that, met my wife doing that, won't do that.

Phew. Glad to get that off of my chest.

Michelle 2021 said...

Man, I'm still not sure why boys in the Utar can be so...what's the word? Uninformed? Non-thinking? Unschooled in the most basic of social niceties? Who is not teaching them how to treat women? YM/YW does not count for social grooming, as much as we might hope it does. Maybe we assume too much from the social programs of the church. I think they serve to get kids out of the house and off the streets, encourage REMEDIAL social skills like staying quiet during a group prayer (maybe) and frisbee golf, but these skills are not sufficient in themselves for winning a wife or even friends. As I'm writing this, I'm honestly trying to pin down why so many males who should have had good examples and even harrowing mission experiences to give them depth, empathy or even the common sense to feed a hungry, pretty woman, are completely without scruples when it comes to actually dating.I dated so many idiots who thought they were doing what their mission president told them to do by asking girls out, but didn't seem to know a YM/YW activity from a date. Getting refreshments at the end of the activity, which was planned by busy adults 15+ years their senior, should not be the only motivation for condescending from their WoW perches to spend 90 minutes with members of the opposite sex. And about the movie rule, so true! Theatre movies are for, in a spirit of not mincing words, cuddling and engaging in bright conversation about after the film, carefully and mutually chosen. They are NOT for first dates which, as you deftly chronicle, commonly become awkward hunger spells. A movie watched at a prelude to different goals...also not first-date fare. I also well-remember and cringe at your no-octa-dates rule. When I was the victim of this tasteless dating crime, I remember thinking "I think this is a red flag. This guy has no taste. Hot, but no taste."

And so, as the burning coals of my rant turn from fiery red to gray, I more quietly reflect on how wonderful it is to not be with an idiot. I was so thankful to know him when I saw him. If I type "hang in there," without immediately deleting the phrase, I give you permission to punch me in the arm when you see me next.

Michelle 2021 said...

Love your blog(s).

Andrea said...

Oh Michelle, I love you!

Seriously, your comment is the perfect supplement to my post. I always wondered if it was just Utah guys who are so inept, but I think you nailed it down with the whole YW/YM thing!