Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Chronicles of Dating: Installment #7 - Bad Luck Chuck

This may be my worst date story ever, but there is serious competition pending with about 15 other dating stories. However, the cringe-worthy-ness of this date is seriously, well, cringe-worthy.

Let me preface this story with a small tad of information: several months after the date, I ran into the guy at a costume party. I had kind-of forgotten what he looked like until that point, and now all memories of him are in a purple turban. So, when I remember this date, I remember him wearing said purple turban.

Also, let me preface this by saying that I am continually baffled by people from Davis and/or Utah county who are completely unfamiliar with Salt Lake City. I mean, it is our state capital and within extremely reasonable driving distance from both counties. And let's face it, it's one of the only non-stale parts of our lovely state. How can someone be SO unfamiliar with the city that they can't find their way around our 7th grade math class grid system?

That being said, my date was from the oh-so-popular city of Provo, and was therefore completely unfamiliar with the oh-so-un-icky city of Salt Lake.

So, when he told me to meet him at the movie theater (he obviously didn't read points of advice #5 and #2), I spent a good 40+ minutes sitting at the theater, endlessly repeating directions over the phone for how to get to State Street and 9000 South from I-15.

Oh, and did I mention that this was at about 10 pm on a Monday night? Perfect time for a date, right?

Once he finally arrived at the theater, we had about a half an hour to wait for our movie to start. To fill up the time, he informed me that he was starving and needed to eat. I was a tad hungry myself. We sauntered up to the concession counter where he proceeded to order for himself and then pay for his food, and just his food. The more tact-informed cashier asked if there was anything else he wanted to get, giving him a look. "Nope, this is plenty for me," was my date's reply.

Hello most egregious ignorance of point of advice #3 ever!

So there I sat, watching him eat, hearing him eat, trying to make conversation past the gobs of pizza rolling around in his mouth.

Finally, that pain over, we continued onward with our date and gave the ticket guy our tickets for what I thought was an innocent romantic comedy. This movie is not an innocent romantic comedy:

Plus Dane Cook? Ick to the infinite power!

And so there I sat, watching soft porn that's been left on the counter until it got a little crusty and a little dried out with a guy who had struck out hours before. And here comes the best part: since it was, once again, 10pm on a Monday night, we were the only people in the theater - watching Dane Cook fake film-hump upwards of 100 naked women. And my date was wearing a purple turban.


Amandean said...

Oh, dear. This guy sounds like a real winner. I must say, the food thing is totally idiotic. Eating in front of your date? And has he not heard of Mapquest? You can't really expect him to be familiar with the several square miles that is Salt Lake County, but if you know you are going somewhere, you should at least look it up before you leave.

Michelle 2021 said...

Wow. I think you win.

I'm sure his mother is still wondering why her sweet little Sunbeam isn't married. Someone should tell her. It's because he's a pig.

Crystal Ross said...

I am in awe. This is UNREAL. I'm sorry that I love reading it so much (because experiencing it sounds like torture). Keep em comin! I love your story-telling abilities. LOVE THEM

Heidi said...

Oh MY GOODNESS!!! Did you tell him he was a loser and to never call you again?? I met a guy once who asked to meet up at a starbucks and told me the wrong location, then didn't wait for me to get there so I was waiting for HIM while he was walking around Barnes and Noble, already had his drink and didn't offer to get me one, then after realizing how AMAZING I was (HAHA) asked me to go to a party with him later. Yeah right dude, keep dreamin. Where do these guys come from??? Is there a class that teaches how to be a douche bag?