Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Chronicles of Dating: Installment # 8 - Devin, Part 2

So we left the story in the middle of me feeling like I was in one of those horror movies where the camera is focused on something in the foreground, only to look up, and

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

the dude is totally standing right there! And barely audible above the pounding of your recently terrified heart, you hear these words:

"We should go out some time."

Que my expectation of said date:


If only it had gone that well.

The date began with us going to his sisters house to feed her animals and water her plants because she was on vacation.

That's right. You can go ahead and think about that one for awhile.

Beyond the leg-eyeing dogs and half-dead plants, the basic watering and feeding routine was spiced up with the addition of an iguana, Steve, who needed some lettuce for dinner and a fresh dish of water, and who was apparently the most terrifying thing Devin had ever seen. Multiple attempts at putting a fresh dish of water in the tank left it looking more like an aquarium and Steve enduring an impromptu bath every time he blinked or twitched. That is, until I took over and gave the little lizard his meal.

Leaving Steve to snack on leafy greens, we proceeded down the hall, Devin still jumpy and I still rolling my eyes, to stop at the end in front of a family portrait. Devin pointed out his 9 year-old niece to me and said, and I am not joking,

"I was her same age when my brother met HIS wife TOO."

Did you catch the implications of the emphasized words? Because I sure did, and had to avoid the eye contact he was attempting as a follow up to his comment.

Skip forward to Macaroni Grill where we talked about...I'll give you three guesses...

Work?

Nope.

Kittens?

Not at all.

Current events?

I wish.


Give up? Basketball. Who'd have thought, right?

But guess what? This story doesn't end with the date. Oh no! The good stuff is yet to come.

Apparently, Devin thought the date was magical, and that he and I were, to use his words...hang on...*gag, barf, yack*..."meant to be," or at least so I heard from one of our coworkers who Devin was convinced was my deepest-secrets-revealing-level-of-best-friend. And of course, all my efforts to avoid a second date were me just playing "hard to get."

When he straight-up asked me on another date, several weeks later, I straight-up told him "no." He was perturbed at first, and I think convinced himself that if he asked someone else on the date, I would no doubtedly become jealous and begin the chase myself. But, oh, oh, how untrue that was!

Interior scene, flower shop - Day

Phone rings, employee in her mid-20s answers

Andrea:
Thank you for calling the Flower Patch, how can I help you?

Unidentified male voice:
Hi, I need to order a flower.

Andrea:
Pick-up or delivery?

Unidentified male voice:
Pick-up. I want a white rose with baby's breath.

Andrea:
Just one?

Unidentified male voice:
Yes.

Andrea:
Can I get your name and phone number for the order?

Unidentified male voice:
This is Devin!

Andrea:
Oh, hi Devin.

Devin:
You didn't know it was me?

Andrea:
Sorry, no. We have a lot of guys call here everyday.

Devin:
Oh. Well I need that flower for my date today. You know, that one I asked you on. Well, I asked someone else.

End Scene

Two days later: Devin had fallen completely in love with the girl he asked on the date in lieu of enjoying my company. He knew that they were "meant for each other," because "the girl you end up with always comes after the one you thought you'd end up with." And, according to my coworker/apparent best friend, Devin knew that he and I weren't "meant for each other" when I didn't recognize his voice on the phone. Because of course I should be able to pick one voice out of the hundreds I talk to every day as one I recognize, and of course, even if I did think I recognized it, it would be totally appropriate for me, to say, "Flower Patch...oh my gosh! Is this Devin? This is totally Devin, isn't it?"

3 comments:

utahlawyer said...

Ha. See, you have had plenty of opportunities to get married. Also, all of your Google ads from this post are for dog food.

Amandean said...

my responses, but not in order
1) what a girl!
2) "too?" really? That was subtle
3) he couldn't go to his sister's house BEFORE the date? That's what every girl writes about in her diary when she imagines her dream date.
4) Someone should tell him that he needs to talk about something other than basketball and his own personal coolness.

Michelle 2021 said...

Ugh. So much positive energy being sent in your direction as a cosmic bandaid for this obnoxious scrape.