Monday, March 28, 2011

There Was This One Time When I Got Sick of Wearing Pants

It was about a month ago.

Okay, I've been sick of wearing pants for a few months, but I thought momentarily that I was cured when I bought several pairs of extremely stretchy jeans from Old Navy (some would call them jeggings, but I stand by my statement that they were merely stretchy jeans, considering that they all had a functioning fly, all 5 pockets were real, and the waistband was not made of elastic). I was happy as a clam for a few weeks. I even went so far as to go skiing in my new stretchy friends.

My new-found happiness was crushed pretty quickly, however, as my Old Navy jeans started wearing out mere weeks after I bought them (shocking, I know). I started feeling bad about wearing them, because my thunder thighs were rubbing the inseams to ribbons with every step. And so pretty soon, I was back to hating pants.

Now, I'm not ready to go full Gaga and skip substantial leg coverings all together (though I revel in wearing nothing but tights, booty shorts, and no pants whatsoever to roller derby every week), nor am I ready to go full Ingalls and succumb to a skirt-clad summer. What, oh, what could I do?

Cue jumpsuits!

Now don't laugh. I know what you're thinking when you think "jumpsuit," and I want to tell you that your preconceived notions are only about 80% correct.  Trust me when I say that the other 20% makes all the difference in the world. You may also be remembering that season of ANTM when Tyra wore few things that weren't the worst jumpsuits man has ever seen. Well let me say this: anything Tyra can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than Tyra. So hold on to your panties, and get ready for the awesomeness that is MY NEW JUMPSUITS!

They're comfortable, pretty darn cute, the more mature older sister of rompers (which I am also a big fan of), and the perfect alternative to sucky jeans. Plus, Forever 21 has an entire shopping tab devoted to the joys of one-pieces -- rompers and jumpsuits unite!

Begone muffin tops, begone tight-fitting crotches and thighs that make that "voot, voot" sound when I walk!

So before you start to think that I secretly got a job shamelessly promoting jumpsuits and will soon start telling you that I "have an amazing opportunity for you where you can make tons of money doing little to nothing, you just have to get your friends to abandon pants and start wearing all-in-one attire," let me address that, as awesome as jumpsuits are, they pose one serious, serious problem: peeing.

I'm not joking. I have to get COMPLETELY undressed when I have to pee. I have to take off my cardigan, take of my belt, pull my jumpsuit off my shoulders and drop it to my ankles, and repeat the whole process in reverse when I'm done.

Sounds horrible, right? Well let me add that, upon my discovering this dilemma, I also realized that one of the jumpsuits I had bought buttons up the back. What the crap? I can't reach back there!  How am I ever going to pee?  I came up with 3 possibilities:

1. I cannot pee the entire day
2. I can pee, it just has to be in my pants
3. I can ask fellow restroom guests to help me unbutton and rebutton my clothing

Yeah. Those were the only possible scenarios I could see myself getting into while traipsing around in my one-piece wonder. Luckily, however, Forever 21 saved my life by giving the thing a REALLY wide neckline. Crisis averted; jumpsuit infatuation successfully launched.

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